Friday, December 19, 2008

419 scammers are such delightful entertainment!

Otherwise known as 'this amuses Cloak because he's such an unprofessional ass'

So, you know how it goes with those emails, right? I'm sure you guys have gotten these emails from the Nigerian/Russian/Martian/Hillbilly/French/etc/419 scammers before, where they say they have millions of dollars and that some wealthy schmoe somewhere died in a plane crash, and they want to give you a cut of the inheritance, because they work at a high end financial institution, and so forth blah blah blah... :blahblah:

I have a hobby around this: sometimes if these emails catch me in a particularly vindictive mood, I'll have fun with them.

MY REPLY to a 419 Scammer...

Hello Mr. Nanga Saar.

I hope you regret terribly, that you actually presume wrong. And this is in fact, quite a 'surprised' message for me to receive at these dire times. Thank you regardless, for contacting me at this magnitude, latitude, longitude, with your wildly ambitious lucrative fabrications.
So please, allow me to kindly dispose of some of your allocated time, and enlighten you with a much well deserved response.

Everyone in my family have been launched into orbit and placed in a lunar colony, as part of a harrowing test being performed for research purposes, for the introduction of humanity into the rest of the solar system. However, I hear there are some conflicts occurring with a certain Dr. Smith, who seems to have interests of his own. And then there is the Robinsons whose work is extremely vital to the project. William, especially, with his artificially intelligent mechanical companion, and the rock specimens they acquire during their surveys - research, you understand, that is of the utmost importance. I just hope they never become lost in space, for if they do, that would certainly mean the demise of the rest of us down here on this pretty blue Earth.

I know of the plane crash you are speaking of. From what I have surmised from the evidence the scientific response team brought back, it appears that everyone on board had become tainted by a tissue replicating microscopic creature or virus, that seems to have been thawed out from the Antarctic bio-research lab. One of my colleagues, R.J. MacReady, happened to be stationed there, but the facility was apparently destroyed. As far as we know, everyone on the flight you are speaking of was no longer human. In fact, they were all replicated creatures, now hosts to this peculiar 'Thing' parasite, which was attempting to reach the mainland, to replicate itself and become a new dominant species. Unfortunately, we have not heard back from the Biological Response team, or S.T.A.R.S. And I certainly hope that they have not fallen prey to the Nemesis Project.

I'm sure that the Resident 'Destitudes' you mention would see no Evil in that much funding going to such a charitable good cause. That is to say, I know that such a generous and overwhelming amount of money will be easy for you to ingest as it is quite understandably intangible. However, I also don't know if this will help the good citizens of Raccoon City, because of the aforementioned blight with the tissue replicating parasite, and what the widely known mega-corporation, Umbrella, decided to do with that location. It is also suspected that the large international banking and finance franchises have already become hosts to the 'Thing' virus. The John Carpenter Financial Insitution in Little China for example, as reported by Michael Myers in the popular news pamphlet - The Shape, has been plagued with reports of employees no longer behaving like themselves, and being prone to mimicking others' behaviour patterns. I'm sure you can begin to understand how this is an inconvenience.

Also, Mr. Nanga Saar, how am I to be sure that you have not fallen prey to the 'Thing' parasite yourself, and you are in fact just an alien impostor, that has replicated the real Nanga, and is now running a whole coven of hosts, bent on spreading their affliction? Perhaps you have lobster claws coming out of your wrists, and a swarm of tentacles bursting forth from your nostrils. What will happen then?

This is most unreasonable, and I am appalled that you have not even bothered to speak about Robert Paulson. His name was Robert Paulson. Do you understand? His name was Robert Paulson. Please be aware of this in future, or the integrity of your humanity will remain subject to further scrutiny. Unless I am only telling you this, because I myself, am one of them? THEY LIVE... Mr. Nanga Saar. Oh yes, they live, but for the right price, I perhaps could be willing to send you a proper occular apparatus so that you may be able to differentiate between who remains biologically intact, and who is not to be trusted, in a quantifiable manner!

I expect you to implode and for your socks to become wildly carnivorous with a voracious appetite, as you desperately try to respond urgently to this communication.
Kind regards,

Lovecraft Cthulhu

PS. Your usage of caps lock, and unfamiliarity with caps lock etiquette also raises to question if you are a pod person, or 'Thing' host. Just thought I would point this out.


Is it me? or do people enjoy making me grumpy around the holidays?

That is all, just a dose of healthy sarcasm from this journal... straight to your heart (a little Fallout 3 reference for you there).

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